Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It’s Eraption Season Again

Balitang Kutsero: By Perry Diaz

With former president Joseph “Erap” Estrada back in the campaign trail as a presidential candidate, it will be the season again for “Eraption” jokes. The following are some Eraptions that I found in the Internet:

How are a San Miguel beer bottle and Erap alike?
They are both empty from the neck up.

How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!

How do you get Erap on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Why did Erap get fired from his job at the M & M's factory?
He kept throwing out the Ws.

I’m pretty sure that as the election campaign warms up, there will be more Eraptions erupting.

My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec reported his exclusive interview with Erap. It goes:

When Erap ran for president the first time in 1998, his slogan was: “Erap para sa mahirap” (Erap for the poor). This time he changed it to: “Erap para sa mas mahirap” (Erap for the very poor). When James asked him why, Erap said, “It’s because the poor are now poorer because of the recession.”

When asked what he’s going to do to stop the recession if he’s elected president, Erap said, “I’ll issue a proclamation that there will be no more recess in the schools.”

Erap is accusing presidential rival Manny Villar of stealing his slogan. Manny’s slogan is: “Money para sa mahirap” (Money for the poor). When asked what’s wrong with that, Erap said, “Manny is taking away my votes by buying the votes of the poor.”

When asked how he can overtake frontrunner Noynoy Aquino in the race to Malacanang, Erap said, “That’s easy. I know a short cut route to Malacanang and Noynoy doesn’t know where it is. Ha ha ha…”

When asked what is his position on “climate change,” Erap said, “Well… uh… it’s the same way with my position on Charter change, NO WAY!”

When asked why he’s opposed to Charter change, Erap said, “Charter change will change our presidential form of government to a parliamentary system with a Prime Minister as the head of government. We cannot have a ‘minister’ to head the government because that would violate the principle of the separation of the church and the state.”

When asked what is his position on the Visiting Forces Agreement with the U.S., Erap said, “I’ll treat all visiting American soldiers just like any other tourists, they have to pay travel tax.”

When asked what he’ll do to improve English proficiency in schools, Erap said, “I’ll ask Manny Pacquiao to tell the school principals where he learned his English.”

When asked what he’s going to do to prevent being ousted like what happened in 2001, Erap said, “Gloria tricked me into signing a ‘leave of absence’ without reading between the lines. Well, next time they ask me to sign a document, I’ll have my wife read everything between the lines for me before I sign.”

James asked, “Which wife?” Oops. End of interview.

Talking about Manny Pacquiao… A news article says, “Pacquiao: I had a talk with God.” Pacquiao claimed that God promised him “strength and power.” He said, “I was not yet very popular and world champion when our God appeared to me and assured me of strength and power.” I think Pacquiao has been hanging out too long with Gloria who has been saying that God anointed her to rule the Philippines.

But Pacquiao and Gloria parted ways when Pacquiao bolted Gloria’s party to join Manny Villar’s Nacionalista Party. Balimbing! (Turncoat!)

Noynoy Aquino should watch out cuz if Pacquiao teaches Villar how to communicate with God, he would be in deep shit.

Lately, Tiger Woods admitted to having extramarital affairs. Now, he’s in trouble because more than a dozen women are now claiming that they had an affair with Tiger. Pacquiao -- who’s alleged to be romantically linked to actress Krista Ranillo -- should teach Tiger to just say, “No comments.” Remember, “No talk, no mistake” or should I say, “No mistake, no fun.”

But Pacquiao’s wife Jinkee is having all the fun when she opened her boutique last August in General Santos City called “Jinkee’s Fashion World.”

Recently, Pacquiao opened a novelty shop -- 500 miles away in Manila -- called “Team Pacquiao.” I heard that Pinoy paparazzi are stalking his shop waiting for Krista to show up. Now, that’s where the real fun is.